Would You Date You?

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Would you date you? Odd question right? When I asked myself that question my initial answer was NO! Because I’m a girl and I like men. But when I dive a little deeper into my psyche I have to really ask myself, “Kitta, would you date you?” If I were a guy and I met me at the grocery store or at a party or while I was out for a Saturday morning run and I’m looking all good in my workout clothes and I asked me out on a date, after getting to know me on the first few dates, would I continue to date me? I talked to one of my former pastors/mentors and I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, I once was a member of a church. Anywho, he asked me the question that everyone always asks when they haven’t talked to you in a while, “How’s your love life? Are you dating?” I’m sorry, my what? Love life…Can I get the definition please? Nope, still don’t comprehend…can you use it in a sentence? Whenever I’m asked that question my answer is the same as it’s been for the last few years, “Boys Suck!” I can’t seem to get the hang of this dating thing. I’m either not interested in the guys that show interest in me or I seem to pick guys that have no interest in me…the guys whose like isn’t mutual, or so it seems. So that leaves me with one question: “Would I date me?” What am I doing or not doing that still has me in this single stage of life?” Okay that was two questions, but…just be quiet and keep reading.

My pastor/mentor asked me several questions that made me think about what guys see when they look at me…the vibe that I give off every time I speak. One question that he asked was, “Have you come to terms with the fact that guys find you intimidating?” That question almost hurt my feelings. Now this isn’t the first time someone told me this but it’s still surprising to me. I’m not sure what I am doing or saying that would intimidate anyone. I mean am I supposed to be a damsel in distress to attract a guy? Do I downplay my personality? I’m not really sure how I’m coming off as intimidating so any observations that you’ve made and would like to share are welcome (constructive criticism only please). He also said, to some, I can come off a little harsh with my words and may seem to not have a sense of humor. GASP! Now that one DID hurt my feelings. Me not have a sense of humor? Is that really how people see me? His words make me sound like a mean, stuck up person who doesn’t know how to laugh and have fun, and I know that’s not me at all. It made me kind of sad to think maybe that’s how people see me and that may be one of the reasons I’m not dating as much as I would like to be. But in my wanting to rejoin the dating world, and failing miserably at it, this conversation made me do a hard self-evaluation and figure out if I would be willing to date me before I expect someone else to want to date me.

As I let this self analysis sink in, I made some mental notes about myself. I’m not approachable, and if I’m not approachable I have very little chance of being asked out. I realize that I have built this wall of protection and I don’t let a lot of people pass, but those who have taken the time to get to know me understand that I’m not as tough as I seem. But I guess I need to at least knock a hole in that wall if I want people to know the real me. I’m buckets of fun to be around, but the only way to know that is to spend some time with me. But I also realize I have to be open to letting people get to know me. I also have a tendency to be very independent ALL THE TIME! I love when someone does something for me that possibly lightens my load a little or makes my day a tad bit brighter…but the way I reject acts of kindness sometimes you’d hardly be able to tell. Even when I’m with my guy friends and they offer to help me down the stairs or carry a bag for me I immediately say, “I got it“, because I’m so accustomed to doing things myself. I fail to realize that they’re doing these things for the mere fact that they’re gentlemen and that’s how they were raised. So, now that I’ve done this critique on myself I can honestly say right now NO I would not date me. Dang! I wouldn’t even date myself…that’s cold! But sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and recognize that there is a reason for everything, including why you’re still single (if you happen to be a single person reading this). We’re all looking for someone who can bring just as much to the table as we ourselves bring. But just what are you bringing to the table? You can’t bring baggage, a negative attitude, trust issues, and insecurities and expect someone to sop it up with a biscuit. For my singles who are wanting to date more or maybe looking for a more serious commitment, I urge you to do a short, honest self-evaluation on yourself. And ask yourself if you would date you. If your answer is no, pinpoint those areas of needed improve and commit today to making a few adjustments. If you keep doing the same things you’ve always done, you’re going to keep getting the same results you’ve always gotten…another weekend alone on the couch watching Netflix. ..or Pornhub (I don’t judge) LOL

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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Open Enrollment Season

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

For many of us it’s open enrollment season. Time for us to decide whether we want to keep what we have, drop what we have, need a better plan, or if we need more coverage. You may be getting unwanted notices in your mail, people trying to show you why you should choose their plan over someone else’s. Hell in the past you didn’t need a plan and now all of a sudden, or so it may seem, you think a plan may be best. Before, you couldn’t see the real benefits of having one because you’ve gotten along just fine in life for quite some time. But now, you’re having regrets over bypassing the plan every time it was presented to you. I’m experiencing open enrollment season myself, and no I’m not talking about an insurance plan. The open enrollment season I’m referring to is relationship season. Yep, I’ve finally entered that season and I must say I’m not really sure how I feel about it. The unwanted notices in my mail are the DMs on Instagram and the messages on Facebook of guys trying to entice me with their “plan”.

Do I give in to the need for a better plan, any plan at all? Do I keep the same plan I’ve had for the last 7 years, which was no coverage at all, or do I upgrade to take advantage of a better plan? One that will offer me more security and coverage in the event that something goes awry. Now I know all my independent, ‘I don’t need no man to complete me’ women are yelling, “You don’t need a man to feel secure!” And you’re right, I don’t need a man…I WANT ONE! I’m a big girl that can take care of herself, and has taken care of herself for quite some time now, but it would be nice to have someone to lean on sometimes…someone to share the load with when it gets too heavy or I just get worn out. Sometimes when I come home from work I just need to fall into some D&D. For all of my adults that’s a drink and some d***. I need it to be waiting for me when my foot crosses the threshold. Some of you are probably wondering where this sudden need to toss aside my singleness came from. Well, it may be out of the blue for my readers and my family and friends, but this change has been gradually taking place for a while. For years I’ve boasted about how much I enjoy the single life and not having a desire to get married. I’ve avoided relationships because of my past failure rate and just couldn’t find the energy to put into another relationship that was guaranteed to fail. You may be experiencing this change yourself and wondering if you’ve entered your open enrollment season. Well, let me help you and tell you how I recognized the signs of a shift happening in my life:

1. I started thinking babies were cute. Not all babies…just the truly cute ones, not the ones who mama and grandmama think they’re cute and no one else. I began to love everything about them…there little noses, the way they smell, their adorable smile. I even started shopping for baby clothes. (your judgment is not welcomed at this time)
2. I started reposting things on Instagram with #RelationshipGoals. WHAT?! Relationship goals? Who? Where? How Sway? Me, that’s who. I actually started wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship again. It’s been so long I almost forgot how to spell relateshunship.
3. I created a secret board on Pinterest (did you know you could do that, and you’re the only one that can see it?). It’s filled with wedding stuff…from bridesmaid dresses to sample vows for my future husband.
4. I started including ‘my future husband’ in conversations about my future plans. “I’ve been trying new recipes trying to improve my cooking skills. You know, so I can cook for my future husband.”
5. I started sizing up my male friends to see which one of them would make the best candidate for a future husband and father of my kids. They say the best relationships start as friends first. Needless to say they stopped returning my phone calls.
6. Every time I go into a store, I head straight for the baby section and home goods. I’m taking pictures of baby clothes and sending them to my friends like “Isn’t this cute!” Roaming around in the home section wondering how mine and my future husband’s style will mesh together.             

If you find yourself doing at least 4 out of these 6 things you may have entered your open enrollment season. If you’re like me, you’ve spent too much time running from relationships for fear of being hurt or whatever your hang-up may be. Stop robbing yourselves of having someone in your life that loves you and can hold you down when life tries to uproot you. I know you may have family and friends that love and support you, but we all know there is nothing like that ‘special love’ you receive from that one person that loves you and your dirty draws. If you’re still listing your parents as your emergency contact and you’re over the age of thirty, I think you should take advantage of this open enrollment season. It’s okay to admit that you need extra coverage.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product and event coverage.

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I’m Coming Out…Of The Friend Zone

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

As a single Black woman I can definitely feel the effects of the lack of good, single Black men. It may seem that all the good ones are taken, married, or they don’t meet our, often times, extensive list of qualifications. But many of us, especially women, tend to quickly categorize everyone we meet. There is the potential mate zone, the booty call zone, and the infamous friend zone. Why do we seem to put so many men in the friend zone so quickly and why do we often refuse to rezone them? When your kids are zoned to a particular school and you don’t think they are benefiting from the curriculum or maybe they are just advanced in their learning, beyond what they are getting from that school, you’ll figure out a way to get them in a different school in another zone correct? Because their education and growth is important to you. That’s exactly how we should treat these ‘friend zone’ situations. We often spend and waste so much time looking for love that we don’t see that love exists right under our noses. We may talk to and see our love on a daily or at least regular basis, but we call it friendship. But like the popular 90s R&B group Shai sang, “If I ever fall in love again, I’ll be sure the lady is a friend.” They say the best relationships start out as friends, but do we really live by that creed?

I was listening to online radio one day at work and the crew read a letter written by a woman that had a male friend of over 18 years. During the years he expressed many times that he wanted to be more than friends and finally after 18 years she decided to date him, but now she’s disappointed that he hasn’t made more of a commitment to her. Now for 18 years he watched you date other men, obviously unsuccessful because she’s still single, and after making him wait you want him to jump into a commitment with you? How sway? Is it fair to make him rush when you’ve made him wait for so long? So why do we friend zone people so quickly and why are we so hesitant to go beyond the friend zone? Speaking from personal experience, I never want to assume that every guy that approaches me wants to get with me. So I always consider their approach to just be of a friendly nature or him just being polite or just striking up a friendly conversation. Steve Harvey says that every guy has an agenda and no guy wants to just be your friend. He is always waiting on the right moment to slide in and take that friendship to the next level. I don’t think that’s always true. I have 2 really good guy friends that I trust and are very comfortable with and neither of them have ever tried anything. And recent events prove that we can’t rely on Steve’s advice, and the fact that he’s on his third marriage may prove that he’s not the expert that he has so confidently deemed himself.

So let’s discuss why and how people get friend zoned and how to climb your way out of the abyss of friend zoneness, if you so choose. Most of us have a list of qualifications for our potential mate, a sometimes very unrealistic list. If the person we meet does not match the items on that list, but they still prove to be a good human and someone you could have fun with, they may immediately get dismissed and thrown into the friend zone basket. Sometimes we have these friendships that have lasted for years, someone you really care about and would be devastated if they left your life so you’re not willing to take the risk of ruining it by attempting a romantic relationship. We also friend zone people out fear of rejection or being hurt. When you are carrying baggage from your past it can be hard to trust, so you put everyone in the friend category to avoid the potential of being let down…again. Other reasons for putting someone in the friend zone is a lack of attraction for someone or simply being incompatible with a person. Or maybe that attraction was there and that person did something disgusting, immoral, or unethical that turns you off. Deciding to start a relationship with anyone is a risk because no one can predict the outcome. And if you decide to move a valuable friendship into relationship territory it can be even more of a risk. First, you need to establish how strong your feelings are and if you feel that your friendship is worth the risk of losing if this relationship doesn’t work or your friend doesn’t feel the same way you do. You can try to establish rules in the beginning like, the friendship won’t change or if it doesn’t work out you’ll work on just being friends again. But let’s face it, that’s a bunch of BULL! It’s damn near impossible to go from being friends, to lovers and seeing each other naked and, if y’all part ways, go back to being just friends. Someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt, things will be said, and people will move on to other relationships. After that, ain’t no mo friendship bih!

Now that you’ve decided that you actually want to use your graveling hook to climb out the friend zone hole, let’s talk about how to actually do that. Depending on how close you are with the individual that you’ve friend zoned, or that has friend zoned you, very few people will know them like you do. That’s your advantage…show them how much you know and understand them. Now don’t do this in a manipulative way, but what better person to have a relationship with than someone who already knows you and all your little funny and disgusting habits. With a stranger, you have to teach and show them who you are and what you like and dislike. When you’ve already established a friendship with someone, the rest should be fairly easy. I’m not saying you won’t experience the same hurdles that all relationships do, but the getting to know each other process shouldn’t be as hard as it would be with a stranger. The most important thing you can do is be patient. It may not be easy for your friend to go from friendship to relationship, especially if they had no idea you had feelings for them beyond friendship. Give them time to process it. If you sincerely care for this person and want to experience a future with them, respect their feelings and their space if they need it.

If you’re trying to get out of the friend zone I hope it works out for you. And if they reject you, F*** em…they weren’t that cute anyway.

Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product and event coverage.

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We’re Not Angry or Bitter: Black Women and Interracial Dating

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

You’re out with your friends, enjoying dinner and drinks. You all are laughing and enjoying time catching up with each other. You see a young Black couple walk in and you immediately comment on how beautiful Black love is. About 10 minutes later you see a young interracial couple walk in, Black man with a white woman. They seem to share the same love and adoration for each other as the Black couple that you so nicely commented on just 10 minutes ago. But for some reason you feel different about them. Suddenly that young love is not so cute. What’s the difference between the two couples? They both seem happy and in love with one another, so why do we see interracial love differently from same-race love? And why do we Black women appear to be angry or bitter about our Black men dating white women? Here’s the thing, we’re not angry or bitter. We’re disappointed and maybe feeling a little abandoned. Let me explain.

Yes, I think some of us do come off as angry, bitter, resentful, or even jealous when we see a white woman on the arm of one of our Black men. And yes I said ‘our’ because I feel like Black belong to us [Black women]. Now before some of you stone me to death for saying Black men belong to Black women, keep reading and hopefully you’ll understand where I’m coming from. For years the media has labeled Black women as neck rolling, eye rolling, mean muggin, loud, ghetto, and angry. These are some of the same reasons some Black men give for NOT dating Black women. Along with: we don’t seem like fun, we look like we can’t be bothered, we’re more inhibited sexually, and we don’t offer enough support. Because we have these stereotypes placed on us and we get put down so much from some Black men and society, when another Black man abandons us for another race it’s kind of like a kick in the crotch! And the way we respond sometimes makes us look angry and bitter. Black men and women are supposed to have each others back so when one of us ventures over to the other side it can sometimes feel like a betrayal.

One the other side of this topic is the fact that I believe ‘you love who you love.’ I do not think that all Black men that date or are married to a white woman, hate Black women. As much as I love Black men, I’ve had an involvement with a white man before. Doesn’t mean I love Black men any less! My main issue with interracial dating is the Black men that ONLY date white women and put down Black women, contributing to and almost validating all the negative things the media and society have to say about us.

On a somewhat funnier (or not so funny) note, this is one reason a Black man gave me for not dating Black women: “Well since white men use to rape our Black women during slavery times, I have no problem dogging out a white woman. That’s why I date white women. I would never treat a Black woman badly. I love Black women, I think they are beautiful queens.”

Yeah I know, it sounds crazy to me too but that’s his way of justifying it so we’ll just let him have it.

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Things You Don’t Need To Know: Mother’s Day Edition

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Do you sometimes ask your mom questions about her past? Maybe about things that happened before you were born? Like, Have you ever smoked weed?, Did you ever sneak out of the house?, We’re you a virgin before you met my father? A lot of us wonder what our mothers were like before we came along. We like to think that our mothers are perfect but, ummm, that’s just not a realistic thought. Just like we’ve done things that we aren’t so proud of and mistakes, some more than others (I’m talking about myself), our mothers made some mistakes too. There are things that they would never want you to find out because maybe they’re embarrassed or they don’t want you to follow in their footsteps. But I think in a lot of cases, if parents were more open about SOME of their past mistakes, they could actually help their children through similar situations or maybe even prevent them from going through the same thing. So in honor of Mother’s Day I found a few mothers that were brave enough to share some of their past experiences with me. Not brave enough to let me share their names, but brave none the less. Check them out:

The Dentist Is My Friend ~ by T.

“When I was younger I dated this guy whose dad had his own janitorial business, so he had keys to several offices in our town. My boyfriend would get his dad’s keys and we would go to different places and have sex. It really didn’t matter where because we would basically do it anywhere. But there was one place we seemed to visit often, the dentist office. One day when I was taking my son to his dental appointment with his new dentist, I thought I recognized the address but couldn’t figure out if I had been there before. Once we got inside I realized this was the same dentist office me and my ex use to visit to have sex. And my son and I actually sat in the same area that our little ‘adventures’ took place. I would die if he ever knew that his mom had sex in the same office where he gets his teeth cleaned.”

Mommy’s A Liar ~ by J.

“When I was in high school I would go midnight bowling all the time. Well, at least that’s where my parents thought I was going. I was really out with my friends going to different bars. I thought I was getting away with it, but I later found out that my mom kind of suspected that I wasn’t really bowling. But my dad totally believed I was into bowling. So much so, that I later found out he was going to buy me my own bowling ball and bag. My mom later told me she was so close to letting him buy it for me just so I would have to drag that heavy thing with me every time I claimed to go bowling. I would never want my kids to know that I was lying about my whereabouts every time I left home. And it’s scary to think that they would ever lie about where they are when they start going out with their friends.”

THOT ~ by C.

“I have dated a lot of men. Over the period of a few years I can count at least 34 men that I have dated. And I’m 34 years old now. Of course I did not have all of these men around my son, but for a while I was ‘out there.’ I wouldn’t want my son to know that I was a THOT…That Hoe Over There.”

I Maced Your Father ~ by S.

“My relationship with my kids father has always been, for lack of a better word, rocky. We had an on and off again relationship. When he acted like a good human being we were together and happy, when he cheated with other women and even made a baby with someone else we would be broken up. Well one night my girls and I decided to hang out at a local club. Well, we hung out in the parking lot because, like most of the people hanging out in the parking lot, we weren’t old enough get in. What I didn’t know was that my boyfriend was also in the parking lot and he had another girl in his car. Of course I flipped out, although you would think I’d use to this behavior by now. We got into an argument and I ended up spraying him in the face with the mace I had attached to my key ring. We are not together today because I was finally smart enough to walk away. And I do not talk bad about him in front of my children because I never want them to know what kind relationship I had with their father. I don’t want to paint a bad picture of him and I definitely do not want them to think that I was stupid for putting up with his mess, LOL.”

Petty Theft ~ By M.

“When I was younger I hung out with these two girls that were a really bad influence. We went to a store together one day and after we returned home one of them pulled out a pair of earrings she had stolen. I was shocked that she stole something and amazed that it was that easy to get away with it. We started going to various stores and shoplifting. We would take a shirt or a pair of pants. Well one day, unknown to us, store security was watching us. As we left the store security stopped us and we were escorted back into the store. Long story short we spent the night in jail. We were charged with misdemeanor theft and had to pay fines, given community service, and we were put on probation for one year. That’s why it’s so important for me to know my kid’s friends. I need to know who they are hanging around and where they are going when they leave the house. I don’t want them to have any bad influences that will lead to them making a stupid mistake that could follow them for years. I also don’t want them to be the bad influence on someone else, which is why I do my best to make sure they know right from wrong and the consequences of doing wrong.”

Taking The Back Roads ~ by K.

“One day after school I went to visit my boyfriend, one my parents didn’t know about. When I left I was rushing home because it was almost time for my mom to be home. On my way home my car stopped on a back road that I didn’t have any business being on because it was coming from my boyfriend’s house. Of course I had to call my mom. When she asked me why I was on that back road I told her that a police car was behind me so I turned onto another because I was nervous that he was going to give me a ticket. Well, my fuel pump had gone out on my car and I went like a month without a car because my mom made me save the money to have my car fixed. Something always goes wrong when you’re doing something that you’re not suppose to be doing. I wouldn’t want my son to know that I had relationships that my parents didn’t know about. I wouldn’t want him hiding anything like that from me. And my car stopping on that back road could have been a worse situation than it was if I didn’t have a way to call for help.”

WOW! You mothers are something else! But we’ve all done some things that we aren’t proud of. It’s called life! I know there are some things I would never want my kids to know but thankfully I’m never having kids so I won’t have to worry about that. But if I did have children, and they can read, ummmmm since mommy is a blogger that puts ALL of business out there for the world to read about…they will be able to read about all of my stupid mistakes. And I think I would be okay with that. If it helps them to know that mommy went through the same thing they may be currently going through, I’m fine with them knowing about the time I played the fool for a guy…several guys. Oh geez! Happy Mother’s Day Laughers!

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

When Your Broken Heart Becomes Your Fault

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Girl meets boys. Girl and boy fall in love. Things are good for one or two years. Things suddenly start to change. Boy or girl is no longer in love. Boy and girl go their separate ways. Girl or boy is confused and blindsided…didn’t see this coming. Or did they? Let’s go back a few months and take a look at what may have transpired. Remember that one time her phone rang and she took the call in the other room? And how that started happening more regularly, when she normally has no problem taking calls in front of you no matter who it is? Or how you usually see him almost every day of the week and now you see him maybe three or four days out of the week…if he has time? Oh, or what about the first time you suspected he was lying to you about where he was and what he did the night before, but you dismissed it because you didn’t want to believe that he would actually lie to your face! Yep! There are always signs, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. The signs are sometimes subtle, but sometimes HUGE! They smack us in the face like the smell of your grandma cooking chitterlings in the summer time. We see the changes taking place but we hope that we can do something to bring things back to normal…the way it was when you both were in love with each other. We don’t realize that the longer we ignore the problems the worse those problems become. And sometimes we set ourselves up for a heartbreak. How is that possible you ask? Well, we put ourselves in situations that we KNOW will not have a happy ending.

Take me for example, because y’all know I’ve put myself in some questionable situations. A few years ago I was in ‘like’ with this guy. We weren’t in a relationship or even dating. But we had a strong like for each other. We talked everyday, he came to visit me at work regularly, and I even stayed up all night texting him while he was at work. Yep, I sacrificed sleep just to talk to him! It felt like we were teenagers, neither of us wanting to be the first to hang up the phone. I thought that since we were taking the time to really get to know each, without being around each other all the time and not even being close to being intimate, that we were starting off on the right foot. We weren’t being distracted by lust because we weren’t spending time together alone. We were sharing a different type of intimacy. HA! Corny right? I know, I know. But just keep reading because there was a very good reason why we were never alone together or went out on dates or never even seen together in public. He wasn’t 100 percent available…he was engaged to be married…and not to me. And yes I knew this before I got ‘involved’ in this situation with him! But I continued to talk to him every day, staying up all night texting him while he was at work. I believed the things he told me about his current relationship, and then I got my heart broken. I logged on to Facebook one day and I saw wedding pictures…his wedding pictures…I talked to him the day before his wedding and he never mentioned the fact that he was getting married the next day. I was hurt and angry. I couldn’t believe that he was such a coward to not tell me he was about to walk down the aisle. I thought we meant more to each other and he had more respect for me to hurt me like that. LOL, yeah I know that’s funny right? I had to laugh at myself on that thought. But wait! Should he have given me the heads up that he was getting married? I mean, I knew he was engaged and marriage is what usually follows. Truth is he didn’t owe me anything. A warning about his upcoming wedding, an explanation, an apology…NOTHING! My broken heart was now my fault. So often we go through relationships with our love shades on. Just like our Ray Bans, Nine West, and for some of us Prada shades, blocks the sun, our love shades block the lies, excuses and infidelity. They block the lack of interest from our partner. They block the true personalities and characters of our significant other. We wear them inside and outside, making people look at us thinking that we are confused. You know those people who wear their shades inside or even when there is no sun out? Or people who take selfies with their shades on…or the dude that always wears a hat because he just doesn’t look the same without it.They refuse to remove these items because they seem to make everything look better. Some tend to think they can change a person if they stick by them, love them through their mess. Hmph! When a person shows you over and over again who they are, and you still don’t believe them…your broken heart becomes YOUR FAULT! So how do we stop breaking our own hearts? Simple..stop settling! Recognize that you deserve better and do not settle for less than what you want. You think that what you have now is the best you can do. No ma’am! God wants more for you in EVERY area of your life. Your career, your education, your family, your friends and your relationships. He does want us to settle for less, when He wants to give us the best. But we have to let go so we can grasp what He has waiting for us. We should NEVER let a man or woman have to tell us twice that they don’t want us!

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Fear Factor

~ Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011 ~

Fear Factor: The extent to which a person’s fear keeps them from doing something; any feeling of fear that prevents an action.

In January I launched a campaign for Valentine’s Day. With the help of my friends, I was determined to have a date for Valentine’s Day. They had the task of finding the, almost, perfect guy and I had the task of keeping myself up to make it easier for them to find someone who wanted to go out with me. So I made sure I combed my hair everyday, put on something other than workout clothes, and painted on some lip gloss and a smile. To promote my campaign I enlisted the help of my photographer and my cousin, who’s a videographer. That’s right, I had a photo shoot and even filmed a short promo. I was so excited about the possible outcome. I had put myself out there, which is so unlike me. My guarded nature usually prevents me from purposely putting myself in any type of vulnerable situation.

After about 2 weeks of actually making my campaign public, I began to have regrets…doubts. Suddenly I didn’t want to do it anymore. The excitement went away and I wanted to cancel the whole thing. There were so many ‘what ifs’ running through my mind. What if my friends can’t find anyone who wants to go out with me? What if I don’t like any of the guys they pick for me? What if I’m not pretty enough to attract anyone? Should I just accept the fact that I’m single for a reason? Is this whole Valentine’s date thing just stupid? What if every guy they show my pic to is like, “HECK NO I’m not going out with her!”? Yes, these were real thoughts I had and I was terrified.

In a previous blog I shared my thoughts on why I’m single. I have a lot of insecurities and low self-esteem. Well, these same issues influenced me to tell my friends that my Valentine’s Day campaign was off. Yep, I canceled the whole thing. Despite having put myself out there publicly and having others excited to see how this was going to play out, the fact that so many people told me how great this idea was and they wish they had thought of it or that they planned to do it in the future. I didn’t care at this point, I just wanted out. My friends weren’t too happy about this decision. I had built so much excitement around it and I suddenly cancel it without giving them a reason. I felt like I had wasted everyone’s time…my friends, my cousin, and my photographer.

Let me give you an example of just how deep my insecurities are. A few days ago I posted the pic below on Instagram. My plan was to add several filters to it before I finally left it up for everyone to see. I posted the pic before I could add a filter to it, by mistake of course, and was going to delete it before anyone saw it. But before I could delete it some of my followers had already liked and even left comments. I reluctantly left the pic up.

I’m not sharing this to get pity compliments or fishing for sympathy. I’m sharing this because I know I’m not the only woman who feels like this. There is no amount of compliments that will boost my self-confidence. I have to do that for myself. I can get complimented all day but if I don’t believe that I’m beautiful I will never believe anyone else. My friends and family give me compliments all the time. My thoughts when they say nice things about me, “You’re only saying that because you’re my friend. I know you love me and you’re just trying to make me feel better.” I don’t believe they truly mean it when they say “you look pretty” or “you’re a beautiful girl.” The one thing I’m struggling to achieve is self-confidence. God says that, “…I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.” I try to remember that scripture every time I look at a pic of myself and see nothing wonderful about it.

My fear factor, rejection, is the reason why I did not get a date for Valentine’s Day. I let my insecurities take over. But my goal for 2015 is to face my fear and go on that date. Now, the plot twist. There is someone who I would love to go out with! So part of facing my fear factor is asking that person out on a date. Yes, I know that I’m the woman and typically the man is supposed to pursue the woman. But if you haven’t figured out by now, I don’t think like the average person and I don’t follow the crowd. And yes, I will keep you updated on how that goes.

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

I Don’t Bite

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

It’s Saturday night, I’ve picked out a cute outfit, attempted to achieve a cute hair style, and put on a small amount of make-up. Just enough to make me look a little less homely but not so much that I’ve transformed into a completely different person. And no, I’m not preparing for a date, I’m prepping for a night out with my girls to celebrate one of my best friend’s birthday. I’m feeling pretty good about myself, you know, feeling all brand new, like I’m fresh out of the shrink wrap. Now I don’t go out looking for prospects, especially at a club, but it’s always nice to be noticed by the opposite sex. Even though we girls have the tendency to turn down most men that approach us because most of us are picky (I mean have high standards), it’s a boost of confidence to know that others find us cute enough or interesting enough to approach us.

So we’re having a good time, dancing and having a few drinks, and I’m in chill mode. And I think I have a welcoming smile on my face, you know, still thinking that I’m cute. As time goes on, all three of my friends have been approached by guys. Even my married friend gets approached…she turned him down of course, in fact every guy that approached my circle was turned down, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m standing over here giving my best “I’m single, approach me” face and I’m left feeling like the ugly duckling. What the freak?!?! I mean do I have permanent buggers in my nose? Doo doo breath? One of my eyes is bigger than the other but you can’t really tell unless you stare at me for a few minutes. Wait…OMG…are they staring at me?! Anyway, I’m here too, I don’t bite, and I want to be approached! Even if I do turn them all down…it’s the principle of the matter.

I always get compliments from the opposite sex and I think I’m cute so what is it that makes me unapproachable? What message am I sending that stops people, particularly men, from coming up to me in a social setting? Well, when trying to see yourself for what it really is, sometimes it’s best to ask others how they see you because that view can sometimes be different from the view you have of yourself.

So when I asked a few guys, and girls, what makes a girl unapproachable and I got pretty good answers…most of which applied to me:

What makes a girl unapproachable?

1) Her attitude

2) Her appearance

3) Frowning (not smiling)

4) Body shape and facial features

5) The way she’s dressed

6) If she looks like she’s not having fun (if we’re in a social setting)

After getting these responses I realized that I am guilty of four of the items on this list.  WOW! I have to admit, I kind of know why I rarely, almost never, get approached when out in social settings. I tend to have my guard up because, I hate having to turn people down if I’m not interested. Yes, I hate turning people down. Instead of just saying I’m not interested I always say, “Sorry I’m taken.” I’m such a liar! Sometimes I just really don’t want to be bothered. When I want to just chill with my girls and have a good time, I consciously don’t smile because I don’t want to be approached. The problem is I think I frown more often than smile. I simply don’t look approachable. So my goal is to become more approachable, and I’ve compiled a list of things I’m going to do to achieve that goal.

1) Smile 🙂

Smiling makes you appear more confident. There is an attraction factor which makes people more drawn to you when you smile.

2) I’m going to have fun…or at least make it look like I’m having fun!

People want to be around someone who they enjoy spending time with…I mean, who doesn’t like to have fun?! AYYEEEE TURN UP!

3) Be more confident!

When I worked as a bartender and waitress in a night club (yep I worked in a night club) there was a girl who frequented the club almost every Friday and Saturday. She was what I would consider ‘less than attractive‘, but she always captured the attention of several guys in the club. One of the bodyguards made the comment, “She may not be the most attractive girl in the club but she has confidence. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks, she loves herself and guys are attracted to that type of confidence.“

4) Appearance

I’m not a ‘heels and dresses/skirts everyday‘ kind of girl, but I do own a few pair of heels that I can throw on for special occasions. So from here on out I am going to start taking more care with my appearance. Now I’m not a sloppy girl, I don’t live in sweats and sneakers all the time but I am not a fan of wearing heels all the time either, even though I own so many pair that many of them still have the price tags on them. But I will make a conscious effort to make myself more ‘appealing and approachable’. And I’ll throw on some lip gloss and mascara at least 3 times a week. 😉

If you have more suggestions on how one can make themselves more approachable, please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Now Hiring – Temporary Positions Available

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Wifey

A REAL lady, not your only but your favorite, different from them hood rat chicks. Sexy in every way possible, when she smiles it’s sexy, even when she’s mad at you it’s sexy.

Hubby

May refer to a woman’s partner who has the potential of becoming her future husband.

I get so annoyed when I hear someone refer to their boyfriend/girlfriend as hubby and wifey . When did it become okay to take the title of a marriage mate without actually being married? According to urban dictionary, a hubby or wifey is someone who has the potential of becoming a person’s husband or wife. How many “potentials” have you dated? Most of us have dated at least 2 or 3 in our lifetime. Throughout our lives most of us go through a few relationships before we find the one, if we’re ever so fortunate to find the one. Some of those relationships are going to be serious, having the potential to lead to marriage. So do we give every boyfriend/girlfriend we have the title of hubby or wifey? If we assign this term so freely, what makes it special? What distinguishes the one who could truly potentially be your marriage mate from those other ‘dudes’ or ‘chicks’?

I’m a fan of Kevin Hart but I have a problem with him calling his live in girlfriend his ‘rib’. Kevin recently divorced his ex-wife, Torrie Hart, because he cheated on her. The girl he cheated with…his now live in girlfriend that he refers to as “his rib”.  What the…?! Now of course I do not personally know Kevin Hart, his ex-wife, or “his rib”, but it seems like this girlfriend conveniently came along at the peak of his career.  So how did she earn the title of ‘rib’? Torrie Hart was asked in a recent interview how she felt about the term ‘rib’:

“It’s easy to be someone’s rib when you’re a millionaire. That’s just me being as honest as I can. Me, for instance; you’re working at City Sports and I’m taking you to your shows, you’re driving my car, you’re crashing my car several times, and I’m still there for you, supporting you, went out and got a job for the phone company and still making sure I got your back so you can pursue your dreams. That’s what ribs do!”

I agree with Torrie. You cannot just assign someone a title and expect them to become the title. You have to earn the title of hubby and wifey…husband and wife. Genesis 2: 21 – 24 gives the true definition of a ‘rib’. God removed one of Adam’s ribs and created Eve.  Adam exclaimed, “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.'” Verse 24 goes on to say this is why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

After Torrie spoke her mind, Kevin’s ‘rib’ had a lot to say. She took to Instagram to post some pics that seemed to be aimed directly towards Kevin’s ex-wife. She also made comments about how classy she is compared to Torrie. How bold of her!!! Classy knows that a married man is OFF LIMITS! You started a relationship with a then married man and you think you have the right to throw shots at his now ex-wife?! It’s funny how women always think that they are better than the last woman in his life. What happened to her can SURELY happen to you. Remember, how you get them is usually how you lose them. I’m sensing that some of you don’t believe fat meat is greasy so let me give you a real life, it happened to ME, scenario.

I started “dating” this guy a few years ago. I put “dating” in quotations because I really do not know what we were doing. I was dating him but I’m sure he wasn’t dating me. Anyway, I met him because he and an old associate of mine were…well…I’m not sure what they were doing, but I do know she liked him first. Well, eventually he pulled away from her and gravitated to me. I was indeed in-love with this guy. Of course we didn’t stay together. And guess how I ultimately lost him? He met and started dating a girl that was dating one of his friends at the time. He married her. See how greasy that fat meat is? How you get them is usually how you lose them.

To Kevin’s girlfriend and all the self-proclaimed side chicks or temporary position holders, remember the position you chose…yes, you chose that position. Kevin’s girlfriend was a side chick that turned into a girlfriend. That means her side chick position is now open. When he promoted her to girlfriend, he posted a sign in the window that reads, “Now Hiring – Temporary Positions Available.” Stop giving out what should be permanent titles or positions to temporary people. And stop accepting these titles from temporary people.

Check out this little funny that was posted on a pic on Kevin’s Hart’s girlfriend’s Instagram

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

It’s easy to be somebody’s rib when you’re a millionaire. That’s just me being as honest as I can.

Me, for instance; you’re working at City Sports and I’m taking you to your shows, you’re driving my car, you’re crashing my car several times, and I’m still there for you, supporting you, went out and got a job for the phone company and still making sure I got your back so you can pursue your dreams.
Read more at http://tattletailzz.com/torrei-hart-speaks-truth-about-ex-husband-kevin-hart-calling-his-current-girl-his-rib/#CcHdmMXsvSWPcS7f.99

It’s easy to be somebody’s rib when you’re a millionaire. That’s just me being as honest as I can.

Me, for instance; you’re working at City Sports and I’m taking you to your shows, you’re driving my car, you’re crashing my car several times, and I’m still there for you, supporting you, went out and got a job for the phone company and still making sure I got your back so you can pursue your dreams.
Read more at http://tattletailzz.com/torrei-hart-speaks-truth-about-ex-husband-kevin-hart-calling-his-current-girl-his-rib/#CcHdmMXsvSWPcS7f.99

Why I’m Single

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

A few days ago I was standing in front of the mirror snapping pictures of myself trying to take the perfect selfie to post on Instagram. I must have snapped at least 30 shoots before I had one that I liked and was presentable enough for everyone else to see. If you check my Instagram page you will see that I have posted very few pictures of myself. The rare times that I do post a pic of myself I go through the process of finding the perfect lighting and usually snap pics for about 10 minutes before I have one that I almost like. And if I stare at it for more than 5 minutes I can find at least 3 things wrong with it and I no longer almost like it. But, during this process a few days ago I realized why I’m single. Well I realized the biggest reason that I’m single, because there’s more than one reason. I, Markitta Michelle Garner, have a self-image problem. My mental picture of myself is poor. After doing a little research I was surprised to discover that many people with type A personality tend to have a poor self-image. Those with type A personality tend to be ambitious, impatient, truthful, sensitive and always try to help others. I should get a Type A Personality t-shirt made and wear it everyday.

I am constantly promoting Team Single. I never miss the opportunity to let the world know how happy I am with my single status, and I am happy being single. I am in no rush to be boo’ed up. But I also have to be honest with myself about one of the reasons why I’ve chosen to stay single for so long. It’s not that I don’t go out or that no one shows interest, or the excuse that a lot of women in my small town like to use, “There are no good men in this city.” I’m sure there are plenty of good men in my area. My why is my self-image. How I see myself is not the same as how others say they see me. When I’m at home getting dressed for work or a night out with my girls. I have a little confidence. But once I step over the threshold of my front door, that confidence level quickly diminishes.

Phot cred: Trunetta Atwater http://www.trunettaatwater.com

 I’m pretty as long as I’m the only one and there’s no competition. I’m pretty until I’m among my friends who exude a natural beauty…a beauty that doesn’t take much effort. I’m pretty until I’m surrounded by other women that I’m constantly comparing myself to. I’m pretty until I step on the scale. I’m pretty until someone wants to take a picture with me. I can’t tell you where my self-image issues come from because I honestly don’t know. All I can say is that I compare myself to others a lot and I’m sure if I stopped doing that I would probably like myself a lot more. So I guess my issues come from my own insecurities. I definitely do not lack people in my life, male and female, that tell me I’m beautiful inside and out. The problem is I don’t believe them. It’s kind of like when you’re mom tells you you’re pretty…I feel like they’re saying it because they’re my friends, not because they really mean it.

Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not looking for validation from a man. I love myself enough not to settle or let someone belittle or disrespect me, but I don’t always like myself. I’m single because I don’t feel attractive. And if I don’t feel attractive I can’t attract anyone else. I’m single because I literally don’t want a man to hug me or touch me in any way because I don’t have the perfect body. I’m single because I feel like if any man gets to close he’ll see all my imperfections.

My friends recently asked me if them telling me that I’m pretty make a difference and the answer is no. You can tell someone something a thousand times, but until they can see it for themselves you’re wasting your breath. Other people’s opinion of me shouldn’t shape how I feel about myself. I have to change my mental perception and realize that God made everything beautiful, including me. So in an effort to reverse my self-image I am going to look in the mirror every morning and repeat Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  

I am currently reading the book Glamour Girl: How To Get The Ultimate Makeover! by Megan Mottley. One of my favorite quotes the book reads, “Problems arise when we compare ourselves to others as well as what we constantly see on television, in magazines, and so forth. People come in all shapes, sizes and colors and no one is better than the other. Our society has defined beauty, fashion, music, religion and many other factors to be a certain way and anything else is ugly, not stylish or just plain wrong. The key is to define your own style and attitude, while taking only a few tips from magazines, television or the people you observe on a daily basis.”

I know I’m not the only one struggling with their self-image. To all my beauties, “you are created in the image of God, and God don’t make no junk! Like a snowflake, every person is unique. No two are the same. God sees you as a masterpiece; and when you look in the mirror, say Psalm 139:14 and smile.” ~Vicky Courtney http://www.focusonthefamily.com

To purchase the Glamour Girl book visit The Glamour Girl Movement

As always…Keep Laughing!

Follow me: Twitter

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Laugh with me: YouTube

Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.