You Already Know

Can I Laugh Now? *Turning Pain And Embarrassment Into Laughter Since 2011*

You’ve been together for almost 3 years now.  You’ve met all of his family and friends, you’ve changed your relationship status on Facebook, and there are pictures of the two of you together all over Instagram…his mama even likes you.  So when is he going to make it official and declare his undying, unwavering love for you by putting a ring on it?  You’ve discussed it, he knows you’re praying for it, but he’s not ready.

You know she’s the one.  All the other girls you’ve dated have nothing on her. She’s smart, beautiful, successful; she loves God and is great with children.  She makes you feel like no one else has ever made you feel.  You know without a doubt that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life.  But she’s is so success driven that marriage is not on her mind right now.  She wants to achieve all she can and go as high as she can in her career before she gets married and has a family.

Waiting on Mr or Mrs right but they seem to have gotten lost?  Most people are dating for a purpose.  That purpose is usually marriage…unless you’re like me.  I’m sure what my purpose for dating is, but it sure as heck isn’t marriage.  So if you’re dating to one day reach marriage, how long is too long to wait on someone to finally be ready for marriage? Should there be a limit on how long you wait for your boyfriend/girlfriend to get themselves together? I say no. Now let me explain that no.  Everyone has their own limit or breaking point and it usually varies depending on the situation.  So technically you can’t put an official time limit on how long you are suppose to wait on someone, but we do it anyway.

So how long do you wait on someone? Well, let’s look at your relationship.  Your wait time is going to depend on YOUR relationship.  Now I need you to be honest when answering these questions, don’t lie to save face.  The first and most important question is does this person love and have a relationship with God? If the answer is no, then they definitely do not love you and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.  There is no need for you to continue reading this blog…GET OUT NOW! If the answer is yes, keep reading.

Question 2: How long have you been in a relationship with this person? It is my belief that you should date at least 2 years before expecting the commitment of marriage. If it has been less than 1 year, stop rushing it. If it’s been 2 to 3 years, have a discussion about it, but don’t push the issue. If you have to constantly push the issue of marriage on someone, you probably shouldn’t wait on them. Something that has to be forced isn’t genuine.

Question 3: Does communicating with them seem like a burden…on them? Every time you try to talk to them their body seems to get heavy.  They start to slump over in exhaustion and their facial expression suddenly goes from sugar to salt.  Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If you can’t talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend without them fighting it, you will never get anywhere in that relationship.  It will always be one-sided because only one of you will be happy, and it won’t be you.

Question 4: Would you let this person have your ATM card and pin number…all day?  You have to have a significant amount of trust to let someone have your ATM card and pin number.  At least I would because I need ALL of my money, I ain’t got time for nobody to be dipping in.  If you can’t trust someone why would try to wait it out? Now at some point just about everyone in your life will do something to make you question whether you can trust them or not.  But, if this person has caused you to lose trust in them and they are not working to regain that trust, why are you waiting for them to get it together?  If you can’t trust someone you probably have very little respect for them.  Respect and trust…without there is no need to wait.

Question 5: Really?! You need more evidence as to whether you should wait around on someone??? Come on people! Truthfully only you can answer this question.  The examples I gave above are good reasons not to stick around, but only you know the details of your relationship and before reading this blog you already knew the answer to the question.  You know that gut feeling you have right now? Yep, you already know.

Right people energize you, wrong people exhaust you.  Are you energized or exhausted?  If you’re exhausted, you’ve been waiting too long.

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Until next time Laughers…Keep Laughing!

~Kitta

Dangerously Insecure…

If there is no room for insecurity in a healthy relationship, then why does it always seem to rear its ugly head?

It has been about four years since my last serious relationship. Coming out of the relationship I realized that I left with a few insecurities. I took the time to work on them and believed that they were out of my system. That was until I recently started dating a new guy and quickly discovered that all of my insecurities weren’t gone.

Scenario:  My new guy went out for the night. No biggie. However, when I texted him later on, I got no response. Now in my previous relationship this was an issue because my former boyfriend was caught cheating when he didn’t respond to my call/texts. And so my mind began to wander thinking about the whereabouts of my new guy. Now of course this deeply upset me because I didn’t want to be that woman who brought past insecurities into new relationships. So I called my bestie for advice.

She agreed that I was letting my insecurities from the past dwell in the present. And we both agreed that for me to maintain a healthy relationship that I would have to get my insecurities in check. I like what she told me, “Trust that he is a good man, and trust that he knows that you are a good woman. Trust that he recognizes what you bring to the table and would not want to mess that up.”

I’m big on communication so I decided to be honest and let my guy know how I was feeling. I told him that I might still have a few trust issues from my past relationship. And surprisingly, he revealed some trust issues of his own. I believe in disclosing insecurities early on to decide  if the two of you can work on them together or if it is better for you to take the time to deal with them on your own.

Last night over dinner, a friend of mine, Stuart, shared about his ex. Something you should know about Stuart:  Stuart is a highly motivated, goal oriented man. While in their long distance relationship it was brought to light that his girlfriend was lying about her living and working situation. When Stuart confronted her about it she said that she felt like she couldn’t measure up to his “high” standards. After that relationship he decided, “I’m not gonna date someone who makes me feel bad about my goals ’cause I have a lot of them.” I asked if he felt that insecurity played a part. He stated, “Had to be. Had to be.”

Problems with Insecurities:

1. Insecurities cause a disconnect in the relationship. They pull you further and further away from your partner. In Stuart’s case, the lies separated them more than the physical distance.

2. Your insecurities can create insecurities in your partner. Stuart started to tell himself, “maybe I deserved to be lied to.” The last thing we should want to do is make our partners feel insecure. We should be the first to encourage, uplift, and speak life into our mates, not bring them down.

Recognizing the Root:

A wise man, Kat Williams, once said that self-esteem comes from within. No one else can give it to you. (Wow, I really just referenced Kat Williams. lol) I agree to a certain extent. The problem is that the people we surround ourselves with influence us greatly. And their perceptions of us matter, whether we admit it or not. The way our parents, friends, and mates view us affect how we view ourselves. (Be careful what you say to each other, especially as parents. Words stick.)

With conquering insecurities you must start with transforming your mindset. It helps to know who you are and whose you are. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139: 14). You are a child of God with a light and treasure inside of you. Always surround yourself with people who see the good and the potential that lies within you.

*Another one bites the dust. Culprit? Insecurity.

Denial of Self

Laugher:  Nina from Hot Springs, AR

Premise:  In a relationship with a very selfish and insecure man

*Her boyfriend was jealous of her female friends. (Someone please explain to me the logic behind  being jealous of the friends!)

*His jealously and insecurity caused her to miss her friend’s college graduation party and her cousin’s house-warming.

*He dipped into her savings account (Um…how does he have access? No, ma’am! -Kitta expounds on this in the video, lol) and bought himself a new truck when he knew she was saving to replace her old truck.

*Nina finally reached her last straw, packed her bags, and left. As she drove away Tamia’s song “Me” played on the radio. (Can we say CONFIRMATION?!)

*Nina is now happily married, back in college, and is making plans for a family. She says, “all those arguments, tears, and mistreatment led me to a man I love and respect. And he tells me everyday, about 10x a day, how much he loves me, even 3 years into the relationship.”

-Well Amen, Nina! Sometimes you have to experience the bitter to appreciate the sweet.

*To view Kitta’s video of Nina’s story, follow the link http://youtu.be/B3pdXQ_xBrg

Insecurity. It’s a dangerous slope and just not worth it.

Until next time!

-Belle

Going the Distance…

If “familiarity breeds contempt” and “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” then why are so many people against long distance relationships?

*Be sure to check out the latest Can I Laugh Now? story, “Verbal Consent,” below. It’s a tale of long distance that didn’t end so well!

If you would have asked me a couple of months ago if I thought long distance relationships worked, I would have told you ABSOLUTELY NOT! This may be because my own long distance relationship crashed and burned. But if I’m honest with myself, I will admit that he and I had issues long before distance became a factor.

I’ve learned a few things from my last break up, and I  believe that if I met a guy with long term potential I would not let distance be a deal breaker. With that being said, there are a few key factors that must be present in a successful long distance romance. The first being TRUST. “If ya ain’t got trust, ya ain’t got nothing.” (I heard that in a movie somewhere. Lol.) It’s simple, yet profound. The next is COMMUNICATION. And no, I am not talking about staying on the phone with your partner all day and all night. When I say communication I mean being open and honest with what’s going on, expressing how you are coping with the distance. Lastly, I must stress that each of you have a LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOUR PARTNER (this I learned the hard way). I spent the summer of 2006 in London. While there Italy won the World Cup of Soccer. My friends were outside celebrating with locals who were parading the streets ecstatic over the win. Where was I? I was in my room on the phone with my boyfriend like I had been many nights that summer. I’m not saying put your long distance lover on the back burner; just make sure that you have balance. And if your partner makes a fuss about you having a life outside of him/her, consider it a RED FLAG!

With all that being said, even with trust, communication, and having a life outside of your partner, there will come a time when one of you will have to make a sacrifice, the big move. I implore that you do not move without a serious commitment (Ring!). And it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to have a fallback. By fallback I mean a job or apartment set up just in case the relationship dissolves.

But why not give long distance a chance? I figure if a relationship can withstand that type of strain, it is probably the real deal. 🙂

And now for a Can I Laugh Now? story that didn’t survive the distance…

“Verbal Consent”

Laugher:  Princess

Home:  Memphis, TN

Princess meets her boyfriend in college. She is older, much older (she’s a senior; he’s a freshman = red flag). So of course she graduates and moves away to start law school. So their college romance becomes a long distance one.

Everything is going fine, until Princess starts to notice one particular young lady (we will call her FB Vixen) making very suggestive Facebook wall posts about Princess’s boyfriend (Facebook will get you every time).

Around this time Princess returns to her alma mater to visit friends and her boyfriend. She decides to do a little digging to get the full story behind FB Vixen. Well Princess does not have to dig long. (In the words of a wise wife…never go digging because you will always find something you don’t like!) What Princess finds are IM’s where her boyfriend goes back and forth with the FB Vixen going into detail about a late night hookup.

Princess then decides to question her boyfriend about the girl. He denies knowing her. (Of course) Princess then shows him the IM’s. (His memory returns. Lol!) His account of the night:  FB Vixen took advantage of me while I was drunk. Princess, knowing her boyfriend is full of sh**, tells him that if this is true then he should press charges against FB Vixen for sexual assault (wow). And if he does this, she will forgive him. He of course is very hesitant which Princess later finds out is because there was more than one late night hookup with FB Vixen.

Princess decides it is time to hear from the other party. Now, let’s clarify. Princess is not confronting FB Vixen because of her trifling actions with her boyfriend; Princess is confronting FB Vixen for her disrespectful behavior on FB. Comments like, “what’s hers is mine, and what’s mine is mine.” (That kind of nonsense) The boyfriend convinces FB Vixen to come by his room where Princess is waiting. Princess then questions FB Vixen about her wall posts. FB Vixen denies the posts. (Of course) Princess then uncovers her laptop showing the FB posts. (I will now present Exhibit A!)

(Time for closing remarks) Princess makes FB Vixen one request, “Give me one reason why I should not beat your a**.” Unfortunately, FB Vixen does not provide an answer, so Princess commences to beating her a**! Princess sees it as FB Vixen gave her verbal consent. Lol! (I know that I am laughing, but CILN does Not condone violence.)

The boyfriend breaks up the fight. Though I don’t know if I would call it a fight, seeing as it was one sided. It was more like a beat down! FB Vixen flees the room leaving her keys, hat, life, etc. Her friends soon arrive to claim her belongings, which Princess has already thrown into the men restroom’s trash.

For awhile Princess was unable to see the humor in this story, but now she can look back and laugh. And that, Laughers, is what we are all about! So did the relationship demise due to the distance, or was it due to a lack of judgement on the boyfriend’s part? I guess you will have to ask him. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment. Lol!

*To watch the video blog for “Verbal Consent” click the link http://www.youtube.com/user/canilaughnow?feature=mhee

Until next time,

Keep Laughing!

-Belle

Something in the Water…

There is an epidemic going around. And no, I am not talking about the contaminated ground turkey; I’m talking about the increasingly amount of women willing to be “side chicks.” As I observed relationships around me, I noticed a disturbing pattern; women I knew were settling for being the girl on the side. What possesses a woman to be a side chick?

First, let me define side chick/dude (as not to be gender biased) so that we are on the same page. For these purposes, a  side chick/dude  is a person romantically involved with someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else. I use the term “committed” loosely, obviously.

I asked those close to me their opinions on the subject. As far as what motivates a person to assume side chick/dude status, responses ranged from self-esteem issues to a solution to boredom. While I agree that there are numerous reasons for a person to assume the role of side chick/dude, I contend against any of those reasons as being just.

My issues with side chicks:

1. Side chicks have no respect for the main girl. If I hear another woman say that the responsibity lies with the man and that it is his decision if he wants to cheat, I am going to SCREAM! She is only making excuses and passing the blame and guilt onto someone else. I am a firm believer that the bad karma you put out into the world comes back to you (former cheater talking here). So side chicks be warned!

2. Side chicks have no respect for themselves. Now, I know that a lot of you disagree with this statement; however, I stand by it. Anyone willing to fulfill another’s sexual desires without any formal committment (The ultimate committment being marriage, of course. You know I had to throw that in, lol.) is selling himself/herself short. Point blank.

Matthew 7: 6 says, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearl to pigs.” Which is exactly what you do as a side chick. It goes on to say, “If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.” In other words, the dogs and pigs you give your pearls to will not fully appreciate and value them. Which brings me to my next question:  Can a guy truly respect a side chick?

The answer to this question initally shocked me. I noticed that two guy friends of mine made former side chicks their main girls. So then I began to wonder. Did I have it all wrong? Was being the side chick the way to go?

So I asked one of the guys did he/could he fully respect his girl seeing as she started off as the side chick. His response:  “How can I respect a girl who doesn’t respect herself enough not to be a** on the side?”

And true to his words, the former side chick turned main chick soon found him with a new side chick. And she was actually surprised and upset. Really?

-Belle