Why I’m Single

Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

A few days ago I was standing in front of the mirror snapping pictures of myself trying to take the perfect selfie to post on Instagram. I must have snapped at least 30 shoots before I had one that I liked and was presentable enough for everyone else to see. If you check my Instagram page you will see that I have posted very few pictures of myself. The rare times that I do post a pic of myself I go through the process of finding the perfect lighting and usually snap pics for about 10 minutes before I have one that I almost like. And if I stare at it for more than 5 minutes I can find at least 3 things wrong with it and I no longer almost like it. But, during this process a few days ago I realized why I’m single. Well I realized the biggest reason that I’m single, because there’s more than one reason. I, Markitta Michelle Garner, have a self-image problem. My mental picture of myself is poor. After doing a little research I was surprised to discover that many people with type A personality tend to have a poor self-image. Those with type A personality tend to be ambitious, impatient, truthful, sensitive and always try to help others. I should get a Type A Personality t-shirt made and wear it everyday.

I am constantly promoting Team Single. I never miss the opportunity to let the world know how happy I am with my single status, and I am happy being single. I am in no rush to be boo’ed up. But I also have to be honest with myself about one of the reasons why I’ve chosen to stay single for so long. It’s not that I don’t go out or that no one shows interest, or the excuse that a lot of women in my small town like to use, “There are no good men in this city.” I’m sure there are plenty of good men in my area. My why is my self-image. How I see myself is not the same as how others say they see me. When I’m at home getting dressed for work or a night out with my girls. I have a little confidence. But once I step over the threshold of my front door, that confidence level quickly diminishes.

Phot cred: Trunetta Atwater http://www.trunettaatwater.com

 I’m pretty as long as I’m the only one and there’s no competition. I’m pretty until I’m among my friends who exude a natural beauty…a beauty that doesn’t take much effort. I’m pretty until I’m surrounded by other women that I’m constantly comparing myself to. I’m pretty until I step on the scale. I’m pretty until someone wants to take a picture with me. I can’t tell you where my self-image issues come from because I honestly don’t know. All I can say is that I compare myself to others a lot and I’m sure if I stopped doing that I would probably like myself a lot more. So I guess my issues come from my own insecurities. I definitely do not lack people in my life, male and female, that tell me I’m beautiful inside and out. The problem is I don’t believe them. It’s kind of like when you’re mom tells you you’re pretty…I feel like they’re saying it because they’re my friends, not because they really mean it.

Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not looking for validation from a man. I love myself enough not to settle or let someone belittle or disrespect me, but I don’t always like myself. I’m single because I don’t feel attractive. And if I don’t feel attractive I can’t attract anyone else. I’m single because I literally don’t want a man to hug me or touch me in any way because I don’t have the perfect body. I’m single because I feel like if any man gets to close he’ll see all my imperfections.

My friends recently asked me if them telling me that I’m pretty make a difference and the answer is no. You can tell someone something a thousand times, but until they can see it for themselves you’re wasting your breath. Other people’s opinion of me shouldn’t shape how I feel about myself. I have to change my mental perception and realize that God made everything beautiful, including me. So in an effort to reverse my self-image I am going to look in the mirror every morning and repeat Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  

I am currently reading the book Glamour Girl: How To Get The Ultimate Makeover! by Megan Mottley. One of my favorite quotes the book reads, “Problems arise when we compare ourselves to others as well as what we constantly see on television, in magazines, and so forth. People come in all shapes, sizes and colors and no one is better than the other. Our society has defined beauty, fashion, music, religion and many other factors to be a certain way and anything else is ugly, not stylish or just plain wrong. The key is to define your own style and attitude, while taking only a few tips from magazines, television or the people you observe on a daily basis.”

I know I’m not the only one struggling with their self-image. To all my beauties, “you are created in the image of God, and God don’t make no junk! Like a snowflake, every person is unique. No two are the same. God sees you as a masterpiece; and when you look in the mirror, say Psalm 139:14 and smile.” ~Vicky Courtney http://www.focusonthefamily.com

To purchase the Glamour Girl book visit The Glamour Girl Movement

As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta, a native of Jackson, TN, is a Laugh Coach, blogger and co-founder of Can I Laugh Now? This Traveling Media Personality is a graduate of the University of Memphis, where she earned her degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice. Kitta believes in spreading joy, one laugh at a time.

Embarrassed. Who…ME?

At what age should you start to be embarrassed that you’re still single? Should you ever be embarrassed to say you’re single? Some people have this idea that by a certain age they should be married, or at least engaged or in a committed relationship. And society supports that view by making those of us that are single feel like super losers…like there has to be something wrong with us that contributes to this condition of being single. Yes I’m single, yes I’m happy, no I do not have cooties and I’m not crazy…well, maybe a little crazy, but who isn’t? I told you all in my previous blog that everyone has a little crazy in them on reserve to use when necessary.

I have never been embarrassed to tell anyone I’m single…until a few weeks ago. One day I was at the mall and while in a store shopping for shoes, because I can always use more shoes ;-), I was standing near this older woman when her husband approached her. In true male fashion, he started rushing her. She jokingly said something sassy to him and when he saw me laughing he laughed too and asked if I did my husband the same way. When I said I wasn’t married he said, “Well do you do your boyfriend that way?” My answer was a simple no, and I walked away. Now why did I not tell this complete stranger that not only am I not married, but I don’t have a boyfriend either? For a brief moment I thought about how he would look at me if I said that I had neither a husband or a boyfriend. I pictured him looking at me like “what is wrong with you little girl?”; almost like he would pity me for being alone.

For me, being single right now is a choice. I need to be fully comfortable and completely happy with myself before I can think about MAYBE letting someone special into my life. God is working on me and I have surrendered my life to Him and welcome the change He is taking me through. So I am usually never embarrassed to tell anyone that I am single. So what makes being single so undesirable and almost a curse for some? Well, I can tell you the one time of the year that is possibly the most popular time to not be single…Valentine’s Day. As I write this, flower, jewelry, and candy sales are going up as most of the world prepares for the big day of love…or lust for most. This is a day that most single people do not look forward to and often make it a goal to find someone as the holiday approaches so they don’t have to spend yet another Valentine’s Day alone. And some try to to get rid of the mates they already have in an effort to save money from buying a gift, but that’s a different blog.

So my question is, what makes you embarrassed to say you’re single? Is it your surroundings that make it taboo for you to be single? Is it your family and friends that make it seem like you’re cursed because you’re still single at whatever age you are? Does the pressure of all your friends being in relationships make it embarrassing for you to be the only one in your circle that’s single? I say none of those things should matter. You cannot let situations, a stigma, or your family and friends push you into a frenzy of finding someone. That frenzy could cause you to come home to your man wearing your new freak em dress. Or a girl that’s addicted to eating toothpaste and chasing it with rubbing alcohol. Now I know that was extreme, but it’s some weird stuff going on in this world. And nothing against the men that wear dresses or the toothpaste/rubbing alcohol girls, but these are things I need to know before I fall in love with you. So I’ll take my time and stay single until the right person comes along.Take your time and make sure you fall into the right kind of love with the right person. I know some of you may be tired of waiting and think that “right person” is never coming and it’s too late for you. I need you to keep in mind that Ephesians 3:20 says He is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine. That means you too can have that relationship that you desire. Don’t be embarrassed when someone ask if you’re still single. Hold your head high and take comfort in the fact that some of those that are looking down on you for being single are probably faking the happiness in their own “perfect” relationships. Instagram and Facebook photos don’t always show the full picture.

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Until next time Laughers…Keep Laughing

~Kitta

Is “1” Really the Loneliest Number?

For all of you who find yourselves “single” this holiday season…cheer up! You’re in good company.

It’s that time of year again! That time of year where the temperature drops and your body temperature rises! Lol. It’s that time of year where you want to snuggle up next to that special someone (for some of you that special anyone). It’s also that time of year when the media bombards us with romantic comedies – New Year’s Eve – and back to back commercials of lovers expressing their affections for one another with expensive jewelry.

So I began to wonder:  Is being single really all that bad?

I mean, think about it. Most of us don’t have a problem being single until the holidays come around anyway.

First thing first:  We must end the negative connotation attached to the word “single.” Stop fleeing every time you see a “Singles” event. These are really fun ways to get out and meet people. They beat going to the club looking for a mate. (By the way, when’s the last time that has worked out for you?) So, the next time you see Speed Dating or Singles’ Bible Study, don’t frown up your nose. It’s all about your perspective. Speed Dating is a fun way to meet people and network, and who knows you might actually luck up and meet someone you’re interested in dating. And as far as Single Bible Study goes, it is not “just for ugly people” as my dad says. Pray for him. Lol. My bible study group focuses on bettering our relationships with Christ and bettering ourselves so that when that special someone comes along we won’t run him/her off with our issues. And we all have issues. (If you don’t think you have issues, ask your friends or your ex’s; they will gladly tell you!)

So here we go:  The Top 10 Reasons why being Single ain’t half bad!

10. Saves you money! Think about all the money you are going to save by not having to purchase gifts for a mate or for his/her parents.

9. You can come and go as you please. Most singles have a real problem adjusting to this once in a committed relationship. It’s hard to give up that freedom to do what you want, when you want, and with whom you want without any concern to how it will affect someone else. And it feels GOOD!

8. You avoid the emotional roller coaster! Meaning the ups and downs of a relationship including the times when you can’t eat, sleep, focus, etc. because your emotions are tied in a knot.

7. Adding on to #8, you avoid the risk of heartbreak. Period. Really needs no explanation. Though, I will say those who risk big, gain big.

6. Gives you time to get rid of your baggage. While single, take the time to do personal inventory. Reflect on past relationships and where you were at fault. And fix it! No need in taking baggage into the next relationship.

5. You can focus on your goals and dreams. A lot of times when we become romantically involved, we lose sight of our own desires as we sometimes take on the desires of our mates. It happens.

4. Sow your royal oats! Lol! Just playing (though this is what some of you do). Take advantage of being single and date! And by date I do not mean sleep around. But have fun. Meet people, different people and discover what you like and what you don’t like. Because once you settle down, no more of that woulda, coulda, shoulda. Trust me, a person gets tired of hearing that.

3. Adding on to #4, you’re just not ready. Do not enter a relationship if you know you are not ready. You do yourself and the other person a major disservice, and it’s only a matter of time before you or both of you are unhappy. If you’re not ready, you’re just not ready. No one can fault you for that if you are honest about it from the start.

2. You spend time getting to know (and love) you! It’s a chance to become comfortable in your singleness. I fear people who have always jumped from relationship to relationship. How do they know that they can function on their own?

1. You spend more time cultivating your relationship with God. The Bible actually views singleness as a more favorable status than marriage (1 Corinthians 7: 32-35). A single person, unconcerned about a spouse, can devote more time, energy, and attention to Christ.

See, being single really isn’t all that bad! Now get up off that couch and go enjoy it! Cause I promise you, there are couples out there wishing they were in your shoes! IJS!

Here’s a little homework:  If you have never gone anywhere by yourself (movie, lunch, dinner, event, party, sporting event, etc.) then I want you to conquer your fear, break out of your comfort zone, and take yourself out. Report back to me when accomplished. 🙂

*And for those of you who despite the advantages to being single still desire to be in a relationship, don’t lose hope! Love, joy, happiness, and peace all await you, but you’re not going to find it moping around the house. Get out there and claim it!

Until next time,

-Belle

*Here are a few Can I Laugh Now? videos to keep you busy until the new year:

“I’ve Got a Crush on You” Find out what happened when Kitta and I revealed our secret crushes!  http://youtu.be/vx00xp4Boeg

“Thanksgiving Special” See what silly things our viewers are thankful for this year.  http://youtu.be/3bmn8BoGaIc

“December Testimony Special” From drug dealer to youth pastor. See what amazing transformations only God can make! http://youtu.be/DoWfmaN5mYg